you have to choose: penises or morals?
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
