I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
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