Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
