i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
