Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
