go do what you do best...puke behind churches
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Never underestimate the power of titties
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
