I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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