Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
