Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Randomize
