Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
