Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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