I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
