He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Randomize
