We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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