is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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