I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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