You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
