She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
