Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Randomize
