It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
