i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
