I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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