my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
