Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
