hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
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woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
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I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.