this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
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just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
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FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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