Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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