I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
