I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
