I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
