The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
