He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
