Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
