he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
