Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
