When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I am naked and annoyed.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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