my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
