Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
