He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
