I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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