So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I look better un-naked...
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Randomize
