I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
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The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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