my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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