You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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