....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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