I'm so fucking centered right now
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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