Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
