If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
