Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize