I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
