Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
