Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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