i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
