She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
