we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids