My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
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i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
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FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.