I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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