Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?