You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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