i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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