wanna go halves on a baby?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
